After yet another negative pregnancy test, my faith faltered.
Ever since Cliff started work in Canada in June, I had prayed that he would have the chance to serve in his role for a reasonable length of time.
Yet, I knew it was impossible. After all, I was due to fulfill my obligatory work commitments in April next year, back in Singapore.
After receiving a prophecy in January that I would be expecting again “very soon,” I started to lose hope.
Months passed. Every time I thought I was, the test would be negative. I became resentful, wishing that hope was never seeded in me in the first place.
Shortly after we began the tumultuous transition from USA to Canada, where we moved again and again from one basement home to another, I started to feel unwell from all the transitions.
Hopeful but too afraid to be disappointed, I didn’t dare test again till I was certain. Weeks passed.
When I was sure, by my own medical knowledge, that the test would be definitive and not “too early,” I finally tested, only to be devastated to see a negative test, yet again.
As I sat down in tears, I felt ridiculous. It wasn’t a miscarriage, it wasn’t like I wasn’t already a mother.
Yet, the sense of hope deferred from a promise that had lifted my expectations was heartwrenching. As my little 18-month old saw Mama’s grief, she tottered over and gave me a kiss, a rare gift for a busy toddler.
I thought about the prayer I had prayed about having a second child and wanting Cliff to feel settled into his role before we uprooted soon again, and blamed myself for being so silly. I had so much to be grateful for.
On my knees, I then felt God say to yield- to surrender to His plans and ways, even if it meant moving again soon, and even if it meant never having more children.
As I grieved, I lost sleep and my appetite… only to find out weeks later, while doubling over the sink, that I was expecting, and, in fact, had been expecting all this while, even when the test had been negative.
Worried that I now had to rush back to Singapore to deliver a child and start work soon after in April, and that this would mean an even earlier truncation of Cliff’s work, we learnt that the baby would be born just two days before my work was to start in Singapore.
This meant two things- that I was graciously granted a little more additional leave and that Cliff could serve in his role a little longer.
We were speechless. How God answers our prayers in His own uncanny and unexpected ways.
It was then that He spoke to me, that so often when we think our dreams are dead and have no hope, He has in fact already planted a seed to grow the dream, even when we “test negative” and everything points to the fact that we are barren.
It was then that He spoke to me about Kitesong Global, that as much as I had dreams for it to grow and was facing all kinds of setbacks and challenges, He had started a good work and would be faithful to bring it to completion.
No one is more desperate than Him to see our dreams come to full fruition, but only when we are willing to crucify our own plans and surrender them.
Perhaps, with regards to all the hopes and dreams we have and continue to wait to come to fruition, we can take heart. Because even when we don’t see any “positive test” outcome for months or even years, could it be that He has already begun a good work in us, that our dream has already begun growing, even when all we see is nothing.
Whatever your dream is, take heart.
Keep sowing, keep hoping, keep waiting in expectation.
You may not know exactly when,
but a seed may long have been sown,
even before you know it.